Once Upon a Blackout

If I had to pick a favorite Fairy Tale, it would be Sleeping Beauty. Ever since I was a little girl, it's been my fantasy to wake up from a forced mini coma and find some strange guy's tongue in my mouth.

To some, it may seem weird for a children's story to glorify a girl getting roofied. Then again, isn't it a little freaky to live with singing mice, drive around in a pumpkin, or shack up with more than half a dozen little men? Everyone has a fetish, I guess. (Check out my X-rated Johnny Appleseed centerfold! It's hardcore! Get it apple core? Is this thing on?)

  

 I'd much rather wake up to a little tonsil hockey with some handsome stranger than have a philosophical discussion with a rodent, but that's just me.

Sadly, we can't all live the fairy tale. You may have to settle.

Maybe instead of growing your hair really long, so your lover can climb in your bedroom, you  just grow your leg hair really long. (Because...who even looks at you?)

 Maybe instead of having a fairy Godmother who grants wishes, you just have a real mother who wishes you would stop humiliating her.

Maybe instead of falling in love with a beast who is really a prince, you fall in love with a beast who really lives in his parents' basement. 

Cheer up! So there's no "Prince Charming," but "Prince He's Just a Jerk When He Drinks" is still out there!!!

Best of Luck Princesses!!!

This guy's back hurts!

Thanksgiving: A Feast for the Soul

It's Thanksgiving!  The holiday when we celebrate the Pilgrims and Indians coming together as friends to eat a buttload of maize in celebration of Sacajawea's birthday. As the legend goes, that same night, Christopher Columbus brought out a magic turkey who laid golden eggs and granted wishes to everyone on the Mayflower. Then, I guess, there was a bit of raping.

Recently my imagination was raped when I went to Plymouth Rock. I felt totally violated to see that it's only about the size of  a pebble!  It's completely shocking that history hasn't been represented properly. Next thing I know someone is going to tell me Helen Keller wasn't really hiding in an attic for 40 days and 40 nights. Come on!!!

"We didn't land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!"  What's the deal with this famous quote from Denzel Washington? That rock would barely cause a bruise if it hit you.  No need to be so militant, dude!

Most of us have forgotten the history of the first Thanksgiving, and who really cares.

One of the worst things about Thanksgiving today is how thankful everyone is. 

"I'm so grateful for this, I'm so grateful for that."

Goodie for you! You're so happy. You're so blessed. God loves you the most. Stop bragging already. 

I'm thankful for all the "Debby Downers" of the world. As you pass the mashed potatoes, send out a prayer to that member of your family who declares a message of gratitude such as, "I'm just so thankful that my beloved cat Mr.Stinky didn't live to see how bad my Gout is acting up."

Or the friend with the Facebook status, "So thankful I can get blackout drunk and forget this holiday, fml."

Today as we celebrate Thanksgiving let us keep in mind the real reason for the season. It isn't your family, or football, or even the magic turkey's golden eggs. Today is about one thing and one thing only...binge eating without shame, and for that I am truly thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!

Sexiest Man Alive!

Ryan Reynolds is this year's "Sexiest Man Alive." 

No argument there. He's hot, really hot. (If you're into that whole perfect looking man thing, or whatever.)

But, let's face it, unless you're Scarlett Johansson, you ain't gonna get none!  

Lower those standards and start appreciating what you have at home! 

Take for example the stud muffin I'm lucky enough to crawl into bed with every night...

The Sexiest Bear Alive, "Bear"

Whether sailing or snuggling, Bear is a sexy beast!!!

Much like George Clooney, 30-year-old Bear just keeps getting sexier with age.  

Sure, he doesn't have chiseled abs, but you know what that means... less time at the gym, more time spooning and wiping away your tears with his half paw.

Bear is the strong silent type who will let you ramble on about your problems for hours without a word of complaint. This hunky brunette is a great listener, but he's also very much a man of mystery.  The one thing Bear treasures is his privacy. He insists on keeping a low profile. In fact, he's so adorably humble that he declined the interview for this article. Classic Bear!

I'm sure you have noticed his smoldering good looks. (Bear was severely burned in a camp fire accident in the early 1980's.) Talk about sexy... Bear is an absolute ANIMAL in the bedroom!  He's almost always in the nude, and loves nothing more then playing in the sheets all day! But that's not all, this sassy sex-pot is can't get enough adventure...in or out of the bedroom!

Bear is the perfect man. He's sweet, sexy, and knows exactly what a woman wants. 

There's only one problem... he's taken. (Sorry Ladies!) Since he was a cub, Bear's been in a committed relationship with his one true love, Missy Baker. The happy couple currently resides in Manhattan's Upper East Side.

"I love him so much, I could spend all day gazing into where his eyes used to be," Missy gushes.

Bear isn't just a sexy piece of man meat. He's a talented star on the rise! He's coming out with his own clothing line called "Stuffing Optional," and his new hit single "Bear-ly Legal" is climbing the charts. 

Watch out Brad, Leo, and Johnny... You've got some seriously sexy competition!

Art Therapy: Self Portrait

Drawing a self portrait is not only a great creative outlet, it's also an opportunity to help you become more self aware and build your self esteem!  This exercise is a valuable tool to depict how you see yourself and how other people see you. 

Self Portrait Age 7

                                  This is me.                                 How I saw myself (with monster jugs!)

All you need is a mirror, paper, and something to draw with! 

Feel free to get creative! This is a judgment free zone!

OK let's get started!

Now, look in the mirror, and draw what you see.
Be sure to leave out your zits.
Oh yeah, don't add that double chin.
Could you thicken your hair, and make it longer and blonder?
Oh yeah one eye is a little bigger than the other one. Fix that for sure, would ya?
Delete the mole on your face. It looks pretty sick, you should probably get that checked out after this.
Leave off your dark under eye circles, you look like a monster.
You probably should make your teeth less yellow and crooked while you are at it.


Never mind. You suck at drawing.

 

I'll Never Let You Go

What do people with high self esteem have, that you don't? A reality show! How will you know you are worth anything if people aren't watching you on TV?

I want to break into the ole reality show circuit, but which one? It turns out I'm too old for Teen Mom, and don't have enough friends or family who care about me to have an Intervention.

There was no buzz about that sex tape I leaked to the media.  (Technically just a tape of me singing "The Humpty Dance" in my parents' basement.)


I guess no one cares about your life unless you've birthed enough kids for a little league team, or  live at the Jersey Shore.  Sarah Palin is getting a reality show because she can see Russia from her house?  (Big deal, I can see a homeless man pleasuring himself from my apartment!)

It only leaves one reality show for me, and it was the show I was born to do...

Hoarders: Buried Alive

Hoarding has been a lifestyle with me.  At the age of 3,  I couldn't leave the house without all my paraphernalia including hot pink purse filled with tiny treasures, and pretty rocks, a mini plastic baby Jesus, and a very well loved teddy bear, named Bear. 

Wonder why they call me Messy Missy?

In 8th grade, things went from bad to worse, when a couple of friends and I decided to keep every single school paper so we could have a massive burn pile at the end of the year. (A symbolic ritual burning to cleanse ourselves of our hatred for Junior High.) It was no picnic dragging home those huge black garbage bags that were stuffed to the gills with DARE posters and lame ass worksheets. (It didn't help, that I was a smoker.)

Back when I had a car, it was a hoarder's paradise. At any moment you could pop my trunk and find a full length raccoon fur coat, a rotting pumpkin, gas can, Christmas wreath, canned goods, and "sweet ass" mix tapes.

Today my apartment is a magical place where a book on Fondue, a disco ball, a colorful wig collection, a fake severed hand, 9 feather boas, and a hot pink glittery skeleton are just one pile away. Come on over, and I'll  show you a Christan Slater scrapbook, and a VHS tape on surviving Y2K that I got at a taping of The Jenny Jones Show. How would you like to feast your eyes on a vintage 1999 Days of Our Lives trading card of a silver fox known as Victor Kiriakis? It's just right under that "Chipmunk's Sing Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits" record album, broken pink poodle ornament, bedazzled stapler, and inflatable microphone.

Classic Victor!

 I still have all my notes from High School (before there was texting-OMG!)  They're good to have in case there is ever a need to take a stroll down memory lane. Like this gem from my 9th grade boyfriend who really appreciated my extensive vocabulary:

Not much has changed. My current resume, indicates I have a Butt Load of skills

You can find all this and more...but you know what you won't find in my apartment? Furniture, toilet paper, or food. That's because, I've got my priorities straight!

.

Got Sprinkles?

Some people need to hang on to their possessions because the rest of their life is so empty. Maybe it's because their stuff is just really, really awesome. Ever think of that?

Many will scoff at a Hoarder, or trip and fall on their many piles of treasures.  No one will be laughing when I pass on this Ziploc bag of broken glass to my baby on her first birthday.  (It used to be a charming decorative butter dish.)

Some things are just too special to part with no matter how small and cramped your living conditions become. Let's just say if I were on the Titanic, unlike Rose, I'd  be sharing the door! (With my stuffed animals, a Puff Daddy Concert ticket stub, and a journal from high school that chronicles my troubled years. "I hate beans and I hate you, Mom!!!")

...and I'll never let go of you Hanson t-shirt, Herb Alpert record album, and picture of an unknown Diabetic old woman.

Bewitching Decorating Tips!

The most spooktacular day of the year is but a week away! If you haven't already, now is the time to decorate for Halloween! Whether you're expecting trick or treaters, party guests, or in your case, just another pizza delivery man, a few spooky decorations can transform your home into a haunted house of Halloween horrors!  Check out these inspiring decorating tips guaranteed to scare the pants off of any ghoul or goblin who dares to enter!

When decorating, I recommend spiderwebs, skeletons, creepy cloth, and of course birds to set a frightful mood. For an even more terrifying scare, put out traumatizing pictures of your ex, those ghastly journals, and your eerily large collection of self help books. No one will feel at ease!

When carving pumpkins, try to fight the urge to do a little cutting on yourself!

Looks like someone is still haunted by all the relationships murdered here!

Keep on waiting for Mr. Right! You've got plenty of time!



With decorations this delightfully frightful, maybe your guests will be scared off by something other than your personality for a change! 

Happy Halloween!!!

What Haunts You?

What Up Ghoul Friend?

Are you afraid of the dark? You should be. Guess what, your dreams aren't the only thing to have died in your apartment. Odds are there are plenty of spirits haunting you...and you don't even know it!

I have personally experienced many paranormal activities in my home. Spooky happenings take place nightly, such as lights turning on and off, loud stomping footsteps, and the uneasy feeling of being watched. I often hear a very pained and tortured moaning sound in my apartment. (When practicing my jokes aloud or taking off my clothes.)

I decided to communicate with the ghosts in my apartment to try and befriend them. It's an obvious partnership. I have so much in common with the spirits of the dead. We're both extremely pale, tortured souls trapped in a world of crippling loneliness. (They're dead, sometimes I wish I was!)

GHOST HUNT!

First, set the mood. Light some candles, turn on some music, make a little pumpkin dip, set up a camera, have a few (or more than a few) creepy cocktails, and get ready for a sexy séance!

Next, get out your digital recorder to capture some Electronic Voice Phenomena. (EVPs as they are known in the ghost hunting world.)  EVPs are a great way to communicate with ghosts from beyond the grave.

Simply talk to them and wait for a reply.

I ask things like:

Did you die here?

Do you think I'm cool?

Would you ever want to hang out sometime?
Can ghosts cuddle?
You're a really good listener.  

Flicker the lights if you think I'm pretty....uh I mean keep the lights the same if you think I'm pretty.


As you can see, ghost hunting can be a fun and thrilling experience, and you just might meet someone special!

Watch my new show, "Low Self Esteem Ghost Hunter" debuting this Fall on Lifetime.
 Check  your local listings.

Journaling: It's Not Always Good to Keep It Real

A journal is a great tool for discovering your inner yearnings, resolving problems, and dealing with your personal issues. It's essential for healing and working out your negative feelings... and by the looks of your life, you've got a butt-load of those!

So go ahead...let it all out! This is a safe space.
Write down all of your feelings of worthlessness, regret, anger, resentment, shame, and negativity.

Now, reread what you wrote... 


Man, you are really lame. How could you be that pathetic? You sound like a loser. How is it possible to be that bad at grammar and spelling? You even misspelled definitely in, "I'm definitely going to die alone." (Doesn't make it any less true though!)

What if you get pecked to death by pigeons and this journal is all that's left behind for the Channel

4 News Team to do a story on?

Today's top story...You suck!!!

Do you really think Sade Baderinwa is really going to give a crap about your sad and lonely life? She'd rather do a segment on a rabid squirrel finding an unlikely friendship with a leaf blower.

What about your poor suffering family? How are they going to feel knowing what a pathetic loser their child was? Sure you masked most of your outward failures, but what about the crazy stuff on the inside? Do you really think your dad wants to know that in your last days you, "Didn't even feel like a woman anymore?"

You better start over! 
(Too bad you can't get a do-over for life.)

Rewrite a fake journal that is happy and full of life lessons. Try to sound philosophical so people think you are deep. Add something about dying before your time. Then people will think you are prolific like Tupac. Also take a picture of yourself with no shirt on flipping off the camera so people will know what to airbrush on their t-shirts to sell in times square.

Wrong (Real) Journal Entry:
Dear Diary, 
Today sucked. I hate my life so much. Everything I do is so stupid. No one likes me. I am so poor. I'm hungry. I feel like such an underachieving piece of crap. 

Right (Fake) Journal Entry:
Dear Diary,
A lot of struggle and strife in this world, but you gots to keep on smilin'. I know that even if I am taken from this world before my time, I'll live forever in the hearts of all the people who care about me. I *&#$-ing love the *&#$-ing $#%& out of you Mom! 

Future Fool

I had such high hopes for 2010. I pictured myself  flying around in my Delorean, with my robot best friend by my side, eating tons of Dippin' Dots and ruling the world!

Little did I know when the future actually came I'd be sitting in my dark and tiny living room/bedroom/kitchen screaming obscenities at a stupid dumb good for nothing a-hole laptop.

I hate technology so much!  How am I supposed to see all the parties I'm not invited to on Facebook, compare my sucky life to all my successful friends, and stalk my ex-boyfriends without a working computer? 

I can't even post my blog half of the time because of this thing's stupid dumb dumbness. (I have much to tell you all about how fml-y I feel about life too...dang you technology!!)

Ugh, if I wasn't so afraid of birds, I would just train a pigeon to spread my messages. Too bad they are ruled by Satan, much like this computer.

You are stupid technology. What have you ever done for me? 

Whatever, I don't need you, I'm just gonna go watch some cable, microwave some popcorn, talk on my cell phone, and not contract Polio for a while.

Tweet me when you've changed your ways.

Whore-O-Ween!!!

It's as true today as it was when my Great Grandma needle pointed it on a pillow back in olden times...

You can't make a ho a housewife.

...but luckily you CAN make just about anything into a Ho!

Just ask any of the sexy nurses, nuns, bumblebees, kittens, cops, and maids you stumble upon this Halloween. Just about any profession, animal, or inanimate object can be easily transformed into a costume that would make a hooker blush.

We've already discussed the importance of dressing slutty for your self esteem in yesterday's post,"Dressing Like a Trick Will Teach People How to Treat You!"

Today's blog will teach you the value of a imaginative costume choice. As we all know, Halloween is the night when most guys are out looking for that special, "slut one." You have to stand out from masses of sexy school girls with a one of a kind style if you really want to catch his eye!

You can be CREATIVE and SLUTTY! 

Take any one of these UNIQUE ideas...

Simply add fishnets, 4-inch heels, a push up bra, and let's be honest here... Spanx. (Apparently someone can't keep their chubby little hands out of the Halloween candy.)

SEXY BURN VICTIM

"Oops, my clothes burned off...and my skin!"

SEXY GORTON'S FISHERMAN

"I'll batter your fish stick!"

SEXY VIETNAM VET

"What's hotter and wetter than the jungles of Vietnam? Just my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my half leg!"

With Costumes this SEXY and ONE OF A KIND, you can hold your head high when you are doing the walk of shame on the morning of November 1st!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Costumes That Make You Look Like a TRICK, Teach People How to TREAT You!

No one cares about your standards, Tator Tot. Now bend over and show the camera that you like it RUFF!

A Halloween Costume says a lot about the person wearing it! You want to be careful to send the right message!

There's no better way to tell the world...

"Hey everybody look at me...I'm not insecure, I'm an independent and intelligent woman who got plenty of attention from her Dad, "

...than by dressing like a huge whore!!

Imagine how many people will be admiring your sensitivity and theories on politics when you're dancing on the bar in your slutty cop outfit.

Who will have better ideas on fixing the health care system than that gaggle of slutty nurses in the corner doing jello shots? 

How many times has this sentence been uttered? "Hey bro, check out the skank-a-licious school girl over there? She sure has high self esteem! I want her to meet my Mom!" 

Whatever costume you choose just make sure it make sure it shows a lot of cleavage, a lot of leg, and just the right amount of self hatred!!

 Follow these tips and trust me, every guy is going to want to respect the $*%# out of you!

Healing Your Inner Child

One important way to help address your core issues is to focus on your wounded inner child.  

Try this healing activity:

Visualize yourself as a small child. Think of something you always really wanted, but never got.
Now go to the store and buy it for yourself. Even if it seems silly, give yourself permission to splurge!

 

Oh sorry, they don't sell parental love at Wal Mart. They sell Twinkies though. Guess you should buy another box to eat while you are crying yourself to sleep again tonight.

Little Missy Needs a Big Hug!

The Power of Daily Affirmations

Affirmations are a great way to reinforce the truth about yourself. Repeated daily, they can help you manifest change in your life.

Sure you could say things like:

• I deserve to be loved.
• I am special.
• People like me.
• I deserve to be happy and successful.

But who are we kidding?
Why don't you call your friends, and ask them what they think? (Oh yeah, you don't have any.)
Sure seems like you've been dumped an awful lot.
Wasn't it your fault your parents got divorced? (That's what I heard.)


Look into the mirror and repeat the following affirmations:

• I'm not good enough.
• I should never have been born.
• No one likes me.
• I don't deserve to be happy or loved. 

If it's too difficult to look into the mirror (because of that ugly loser staring back at you) say your affirmations into a recorder and listen to the playback as often as necessary.
But don't you hate the sound of your voice? It's pretty nasally and whiny.  No wonder no one likes you.

Congratulations, I guess you failed at this too.

Do You Hate Yourself? Well You Should!

Welcome to "I'm Not That Into Me." Your one stop shop for becoming your personal worst!
Here you will find your daily dose of beauty tips, relationship advice, self discovery, and life lessons to keep you feeling full of self pity and personal anguish.

Let self sabotage guru Missy Baker give you the essential tools for learning to loathe yourself.

Such as how to:

• Hold on tightly to destructive patterns.
• Live the life you deserve... a crappy one.
• Increase your negative feelings and decrease your self worth.
• Have fewer friends and sabotage your relationships.
• Become less productive with procrastination.
• Discover why you'll never be loved.
• And MORE!!

 So put on your bathing suit that you look too fat in, because soon you will be sunbathing in your own personal hell!

"I'm Not That Into Me" will teach you how to be the absolute best...at being depressed!