Thanksgiving: A Feast for the Soul

It's Thanksgiving!  The holiday when we celebrate the Pilgrims and Indians coming together as friends to eat a buttload of maize in celebration of Sacajawea's birthday. As the legend goes, that same night, Christopher Columbus brought out a magic turkey who laid golden eggs and granted wishes to everyone on the Mayflower. Then, I guess, there was a bit of raping.

Recently my imagination was raped when I went to Plymouth Rock. I felt totally violated to see that it's only about the size of  a pebble!  It's completely shocking that history hasn't been represented properly. Next thing I know someone is going to tell me Helen Keller wasn't really hiding in an attic for 40 days and 40 nights. Come on!!!

"We didn't land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!"  What's the deal with this famous quote from Denzel Washington? That rock would barely cause a bruise if it hit you.  No need to be so militant, dude!

Most of us have forgotten the history of the first Thanksgiving, and who really cares.

One of the worst things about Thanksgiving today is how thankful everyone is. 

"I'm so grateful for this, I'm so grateful for that."

Goodie for you! You're so happy. You're so blessed. God loves you the most. Stop bragging already. 

I'm thankful for all the "Debby Downers" of the world. As you pass the mashed potatoes, send out a prayer to that member of your family who declares a message of gratitude such as, "I'm just so thankful that my beloved cat Mr.Stinky didn't live to see how bad my Gout is acting up."

Or the friend with the Facebook status, "So thankful I can get blackout drunk and forget this holiday, fml."

Today as we celebrate Thanksgiving let us keep in mind the real reason for the season. It isn't your family, or football, or even the magic turkey's golden eggs. Today is about one thing and one thing only...binge eating without shame, and for that I am truly thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!

Sexiest Man Alive!

Ryan Reynolds is this year's "Sexiest Man Alive." 

No argument there. He's hot, really hot. (If you're into that whole perfect looking man thing, or whatever.)

But, let's face it, unless you're Scarlett Johansson, you ain't gonna get none!  

Lower those standards and start appreciating what you have at home! 

Take for example the stud muffin I'm lucky enough to crawl into bed with every night...

The Sexiest Bear Alive, "Bear"

Whether sailing or snuggling, Bear is a sexy beast!!!

Much like George Clooney, 30-year-old Bear just keeps getting sexier with age.  

Sure, he doesn't have chiseled abs, but you know what that means... less time at the gym, more time spooning and wiping away your tears with his half paw.

Bear is the strong silent type who will let you ramble on about your problems for hours without a word of complaint. This hunky brunette is a great listener, but he's also very much a man of mystery.  The one thing Bear treasures is his privacy. He insists on keeping a low profile. In fact, he's so adorably humble that he declined the interview for this article. Classic Bear!

I'm sure you have noticed his smoldering good looks. (Bear was severely burned in a camp fire accident in the early 1980's.) Talk about sexy... Bear is an absolute ANIMAL in the bedroom!  He's almost always in the nude, and loves nothing more then playing in the sheets all day! But that's not all, this sassy sex-pot is can't get enough adventure...in or out of the bedroom!

Bear is the perfect man. He's sweet, sexy, and knows exactly what a woman wants. 

There's only one problem... he's taken. (Sorry Ladies!) Since he was a cub, Bear's been in a committed relationship with his one true love, Missy Baker. The happy couple currently resides in Manhattan's Upper East Side.

"I love him so much, I could spend all day gazing into where his eyes used to be," Missy gushes.

Bear isn't just a sexy piece of man meat. He's a talented star on the rise! He's coming out with his own clothing line called "Stuffing Optional," and his new hit single "Bear-ly Legal" is climbing the charts. 

Watch out Brad, Leo, and Johnny... You've got some seriously sexy competition!

Art Therapy: Self Portrait

Drawing a self portrait is not only a great creative outlet, it's also an opportunity to help you become more self aware and build your self esteem!  This exercise is a valuable tool to depict how you see yourself and how other people see you. 

Self Portrait Age 7

                                  This is me.                                 How I saw myself (with monster jugs!)

All you need is a mirror, paper, and something to draw with! 

Feel free to get creative! This is a judgment free zone!

OK let's get started!

Now, look in the mirror, and draw what you see.
Be sure to leave out your zits.
Oh yeah, don't add that double chin.
Could you thicken your hair, and make it longer and blonder?
Oh yeah one eye is a little bigger than the other one. Fix that for sure, would ya?
Delete the mole on your face. It looks pretty sick, you should probably get that checked out after this.
Leave off your dark under eye circles, you look like a monster.
You probably should make your teeth less yellow and crooked while you are at it.


Never mind. You suck at drawing.

 

I'll Never Let You Go

What do people with high self esteem have, that you don't? A reality show! How will you know you are worth anything if people aren't watching you on TV?

I want to break into the ole reality show circuit, but which one? It turns out I'm too old for Teen Mom, and don't have enough friends or family who care about me to have an Intervention.

There was no buzz about that sex tape I leaked to the media.  (Technically just a tape of me singing "The Humpty Dance" in my parents' basement.)


I guess no one cares about your life unless you've birthed enough kids for a little league team, or  live at the Jersey Shore.  Sarah Palin is getting a reality show because she can see Russia from her house?  (Big deal, I can see a homeless man pleasuring himself from my apartment!)

It only leaves one reality show for me, and it was the show I was born to do...

Hoarders: Buried Alive

Hoarding has been a lifestyle with me.  At the age of 3,  I couldn't leave the house without all my paraphernalia including hot pink purse filled with tiny treasures, and pretty rocks, a mini plastic baby Jesus, and a very well loved teddy bear, named Bear. 

Wonder why they call me Messy Missy?

In 8th grade, things went from bad to worse, when a couple of friends and I decided to keep every single school paper so we could have a massive burn pile at the end of the year. (A symbolic ritual burning to cleanse ourselves of our hatred for Junior High.) It was no picnic dragging home those huge black garbage bags that were stuffed to the gills with DARE posters and lame ass worksheets. (It didn't help, that I was a smoker.)

Back when I had a car, it was a hoarder's paradise. At any moment you could pop my trunk and find a full length raccoon fur coat, a rotting pumpkin, gas can, Christmas wreath, canned goods, and "sweet ass" mix tapes.

Today my apartment is a magical place where a book on Fondue, a disco ball, a colorful wig collection, a fake severed hand, 9 feather boas, and a hot pink glittery skeleton are just one pile away. Come on over, and I'll  show you a Christan Slater scrapbook, and a VHS tape on surviving Y2K that I got at a taping of The Jenny Jones Show. How would you like to feast your eyes on a vintage 1999 Days of Our Lives trading card of a silver fox known as Victor Kiriakis? It's just right under that "Chipmunk's Sing Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits" record album, broken pink poodle ornament, bedazzled stapler, and inflatable microphone.

Classic Victor!

 I still have all my notes from High School (before there was texting-OMG!)  They're good to have in case there is ever a need to take a stroll down memory lane. Like this gem from my 9th grade boyfriend who really appreciated my extensive vocabulary:

Not much has changed. My current resume, indicates I have a Butt Load of skills

You can find all this and more...but you know what you won't find in my apartment? Furniture, toilet paper, or food. That's because, I've got my priorities straight!

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Got Sprinkles?

Some people need to hang on to their possessions because the rest of their life is so empty. Maybe it's because their stuff is just really, really awesome. Ever think of that?

Many will scoff at a Hoarder, or trip and fall on their many piles of treasures.  No one will be laughing when I pass on this Ziploc bag of broken glass to my baby on her first birthday.  (It used to be a charming decorative butter dish.)

Some things are just too special to part with no matter how small and cramped your living conditions become. Let's just say if I were on the Titanic, unlike Rose, I'd  be sharing the door! (With my stuffed animals, a Puff Daddy Concert ticket stub, and a journal from high school that chronicles my troubled years. "I hate beans and I hate you, Mom!!!")

...and I'll never let go of you Hanson t-shirt, Herb Alpert record album, and picture of an unknown Diabetic old woman.