Bewitching Decorating Tips!

The most spooktacular day of the year is but a week away! If you haven't already, now is the time to decorate for Halloween! Whether you're expecting trick or treaters, party guests, or in your case, just another pizza delivery man, a few spooky decorations can transform your home into a haunted house of Halloween horrors!  Check out these inspiring decorating tips guaranteed to scare the pants off of any ghoul or goblin who dares to enter!

When decorating, I recommend spiderwebs, skeletons, creepy cloth, and of course birds to set a frightful mood. For an even more terrifying scare, put out traumatizing pictures of your ex, those ghastly journals, and your eerily large collection of self help books. No one will feel at ease!

When carving pumpkins, try to fight the urge to do a little cutting on yourself!

Looks like someone is still haunted by all the relationships murdered here!

Keep on waiting for Mr. Right! You've got plenty of time!



With decorations this delightfully frightful, maybe your guests will be scared off by something other than your personality for a change! 

Happy Halloween!!!

What Haunts You?

What Up Ghoul Friend?

Are you afraid of the dark? You should be. Guess what, your dreams aren't the only thing to have died in your apartment. Odds are there are plenty of spirits haunting you...and you don't even know it!

I have personally experienced many paranormal activities in my home. Spooky happenings take place nightly, such as lights turning on and off, loud stomping footsteps, and the uneasy feeling of being watched. I often hear a very pained and tortured moaning sound in my apartment. (When practicing my jokes aloud or taking off my clothes.)

I decided to communicate with the ghosts in my apartment to try and befriend them. It's an obvious partnership. I have so much in common with the spirits of the dead. We're both extremely pale, tortured souls trapped in a world of crippling loneliness. (They're dead, sometimes I wish I was!)

GHOST HUNT!

First, set the mood. Light some candles, turn on some music, make a little pumpkin dip, set up a camera, have a few (or more than a few) creepy cocktails, and get ready for a sexy séance!

Next, get out your digital recorder to capture some Electronic Voice Phenomena. (EVPs as they are known in the ghost hunting world.)  EVPs are a great way to communicate with ghosts from beyond the grave.

Simply talk to them and wait for a reply.

I ask things like:

Did you die here?

Do you think I'm cool?

Would you ever want to hang out sometime?
Can ghosts cuddle?
You're a really good listener.  

Flicker the lights if you think I'm pretty....uh I mean keep the lights the same if you think I'm pretty.


As you can see, ghost hunting can be a fun and thrilling experience, and you just might meet someone special!

Watch my new show, "Low Self Esteem Ghost Hunter" debuting this Fall on Lifetime.
 Check  your local listings.

Journaling: It's Not Always Good to Keep It Real

A journal is a great tool for discovering your inner yearnings, resolving problems, and dealing with your personal issues. It's essential for healing and working out your negative feelings... and by the looks of your life, you've got a butt-load of those!

So go ahead...let it all out! This is a safe space.
Write down all of your feelings of worthlessness, regret, anger, resentment, shame, and negativity.

Now, reread what you wrote... 


Man, you are really lame. How could you be that pathetic? You sound like a loser. How is it possible to be that bad at grammar and spelling? You even misspelled definitely in, "I'm definitely going to die alone." (Doesn't make it any less true though!)

What if you get pecked to death by pigeons and this journal is all that's left behind for the Channel

4 News Team to do a story on?

Today's top story...You suck!!!

Do you really think Sade Baderinwa is really going to give a crap about your sad and lonely life? She'd rather do a segment on a rabid squirrel finding an unlikely friendship with a leaf blower.

What about your poor suffering family? How are they going to feel knowing what a pathetic loser their child was? Sure you masked most of your outward failures, but what about the crazy stuff on the inside? Do you really think your dad wants to know that in your last days you, "Didn't even feel like a woman anymore?"

You better start over! 
(Too bad you can't get a do-over for life.)

Rewrite a fake journal that is happy and full of life lessons. Try to sound philosophical so people think you are deep. Add something about dying before your time. Then people will think you are prolific like Tupac. Also take a picture of yourself with no shirt on flipping off the camera so people will know what to airbrush on their t-shirts to sell in times square.

Wrong (Real) Journal Entry:
Dear Diary, 
Today sucked. I hate my life so much. Everything I do is so stupid. No one likes me. I am so poor. I'm hungry. I feel like such an underachieving piece of crap. 

Right (Fake) Journal Entry:
Dear Diary,
A lot of struggle and strife in this world, but you gots to keep on smilin'. I know that even if I am taken from this world before my time, I'll live forever in the hearts of all the people who care about me. I *&#$-ing love the *&#$-ing $#%& out of you Mom! 

Future Fool

I had such high hopes for 2010. I pictured myself  flying around in my Delorean, with my robot best friend by my side, eating tons of Dippin' Dots and ruling the world!

Little did I know when the future actually came I'd be sitting in my dark and tiny living room/bedroom/kitchen screaming obscenities at a stupid dumb good for nothing a-hole laptop.

I hate technology so much!  How am I supposed to see all the parties I'm not invited to on Facebook, compare my sucky life to all my successful friends, and stalk my ex-boyfriends without a working computer? 

I can't even post my blog half of the time because of this thing's stupid dumb dumbness. (I have much to tell you all about how fml-y I feel about life too...dang you technology!!)

Ugh, if I wasn't so afraid of birds, I would just train a pigeon to spread my messages. Too bad they are ruled by Satan, much like this computer.

You are stupid technology. What have you ever done for me? 

Whatever, I don't need you, I'm just gonna go watch some cable, microwave some popcorn, talk on my cell phone, and not contract Polio for a while.

Tweet me when you've changed your ways.

Whore-O-Ween!!!

It's as true today as it was when my Great Grandma needle pointed it on a pillow back in olden times...

You can't make a ho a housewife.

...but luckily you CAN make just about anything into a Ho!

Just ask any of the sexy nurses, nuns, bumblebees, kittens, cops, and maids you stumble upon this Halloween. Just about any profession, animal, or inanimate object can be easily transformed into a costume that would make a hooker blush.

We've already discussed the importance of dressing slutty for your self esteem in yesterday's post,"Dressing Like a Trick Will Teach People How to Treat You!"

Today's blog will teach you the value of a imaginative costume choice. As we all know, Halloween is the night when most guys are out looking for that special, "slut one." You have to stand out from masses of sexy school girls with a one of a kind style if you really want to catch his eye!

You can be CREATIVE and SLUTTY! 

Take any one of these UNIQUE ideas...

Simply add fishnets, 4-inch heels, a push up bra, and let's be honest here... Spanx. (Apparently someone can't keep their chubby little hands out of the Halloween candy.)

SEXY BURN VICTIM

"Oops, my clothes burned off...and my skin!"

SEXY GORTON'S FISHERMAN

"I'll batter your fish stick!"

SEXY VIETNAM VET

"What's hotter and wetter than the jungles of Vietnam? Just my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and my half leg!"

With Costumes this SEXY and ONE OF A KIND, you can hold your head high when you are doing the walk of shame on the morning of November 1st!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Costumes That Make You Look Like a TRICK, Teach People How to TREAT You!

No one cares about your standards, Tator Tot. Now bend over and show the camera that you like it RUFF!

A Halloween Costume says a lot about the person wearing it! You want to be careful to send the right message!

There's no better way to tell the world...

"Hey everybody look at me...I'm not insecure, I'm an independent and intelligent woman who got plenty of attention from her Dad, "

...than by dressing like a huge whore!!

Imagine how many people will be admiring your sensitivity and theories on politics when you're dancing on the bar in your slutty cop outfit.

Who will have better ideas on fixing the health care system than that gaggle of slutty nurses in the corner doing jello shots? 

How many times has this sentence been uttered? "Hey bro, check out the skank-a-licious school girl over there? She sure has high self esteem! I want her to meet my Mom!" 

Whatever costume you choose just make sure it make sure it shows a lot of cleavage, a lot of leg, and just the right amount of self hatred!!

 Follow these tips and trust me, every guy is going to want to respect the $*%# out of you!

Healing Your Inner Child

One important way to help address your core issues is to focus on your wounded inner child.  

Try this healing activity:

Visualize yourself as a small child. Think of something you always really wanted, but never got.
Now go to the store and buy it for yourself. Even if it seems silly, give yourself permission to splurge!

 

Oh sorry, they don't sell parental love at Wal Mart. They sell Twinkies though. Guess you should buy another box to eat while you are crying yourself to sleep again tonight.

Little Missy Needs a Big Hug!

The Power of Daily Affirmations

Affirmations are a great way to reinforce the truth about yourself. Repeated daily, they can help you manifest change in your life.

Sure you could say things like:

• I deserve to be loved.
• I am special.
• People like me.
• I deserve to be happy and successful.

But who are we kidding?
Why don't you call your friends, and ask them what they think? (Oh yeah, you don't have any.)
Sure seems like you've been dumped an awful lot.
Wasn't it your fault your parents got divorced? (That's what I heard.)


Look into the mirror and repeat the following affirmations:

• I'm not good enough.
• I should never have been born.
• No one likes me.
• I don't deserve to be happy or loved. 

If it's too difficult to look into the mirror (because of that ugly loser staring back at you) say your affirmations into a recorder and listen to the playback as often as necessary.
But don't you hate the sound of your voice? It's pretty nasally and whiny.  No wonder no one likes you.

Congratulations, I guess you failed at this too.

Do You Hate Yourself? Well You Should!

Welcome to "I'm Not That Into Me." Your one stop shop for becoming your personal worst!
Here you will find your daily dose of beauty tips, relationship advice, self discovery, and life lessons to keep you feeling full of self pity and personal anguish.

Let self sabotage guru Missy Baker give you the essential tools for learning to loathe yourself.

Such as how to:

• Hold on tightly to destructive patterns.
• Live the life you deserve... a crappy one.
• Increase your negative feelings and decrease your self worth.
• Have fewer friends and sabotage your relationships.
• Become less productive with procrastination.
• Discover why you'll never be loved.
• And MORE!!

 So put on your bathing suit that you look too fat in, because soon you will be sunbathing in your own personal hell!

"I'm Not That Into Me" will teach you how to be the absolute best...at being depressed!