I'll Never Let You Go

What do people with high self esteem have, that you don't? A reality show! How will you know you are worth anything if people aren't watching you on TV?

I want to break into the ole reality show circuit, but which one? It turns out I'm too old for Teen Mom, and don't have enough friends or family who care about me to have an Intervention.

There was no buzz about that sex tape I leaked to the media.  (Technically just a tape of me singing "The Humpty Dance" in my parents' basement.)


I guess no one cares about your life unless you've birthed enough kids for a little league team, or  live at the Jersey Shore.  Sarah Palin is getting a reality show because she can see Russia from her house?  (Big deal, I can see a homeless man pleasuring himself from my apartment!)

It only leaves one reality show for me, and it was the show I was born to do...

Hoarders: Buried Alive

Hoarding has been a lifestyle with me.  At the age of 3,  I couldn't leave the house without all my paraphernalia including hot pink purse filled with tiny treasures, and pretty rocks, a mini plastic baby Jesus, and a very well loved teddy bear, named Bear. 

Wonder why they call me Messy Missy?

In 8th grade, things went from bad to worse, when a couple of friends and I decided to keep every single school paper so we could have a massive burn pile at the end of the year. (A symbolic ritual burning to cleanse ourselves of our hatred for Junior High.) It was no picnic dragging home those huge black garbage bags that were stuffed to the gills with DARE posters and lame ass worksheets. (It didn't help, that I was a smoker.)

Back when I had a car, it was a hoarder's paradise. At any moment you could pop my trunk and find a full length raccoon fur coat, a rotting pumpkin, gas can, Christmas wreath, canned goods, and "sweet ass" mix tapes.

Today my apartment is a magical place where a book on Fondue, a disco ball, a colorful wig collection, a fake severed hand, 9 feather boas, and a hot pink glittery skeleton are just one pile away. Come on over, and I'll  show you a Christan Slater scrapbook, and a VHS tape on surviving Y2K that I got at a taping of The Jenny Jones Show. How would you like to feast your eyes on a vintage 1999 Days of Our Lives trading card of a silver fox known as Victor Kiriakis? It's just right under that "Chipmunk's Sing Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits" record album, broken pink poodle ornament, bedazzled stapler, and inflatable microphone.

Classic Victor!

 I still have all my notes from High School (before there was texting-OMG!)  They're good to have in case there is ever a need to take a stroll down memory lane. Like this gem from my 9th grade boyfriend who really appreciated my extensive vocabulary:

Not much has changed. My current resume, indicates I have a Butt Load of skills

You can find all this and more...but you know what you won't find in my apartment? Furniture, toilet paper, or food. That's because, I've got my priorities straight!

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Got Sprinkles?

Some people need to hang on to their possessions because the rest of their life is so empty. Maybe it's because their stuff is just really, really awesome. Ever think of that?

Many will scoff at a Hoarder, or trip and fall on their many piles of treasures.  No one will be laughing when I pass on this Ziploc bag of broken glass to my baby on her first birthday.  (It used to be a charming decorative butter dish.)

Some things are just too special to part with no matter how small and cramped your living conditions become. Let's just say if I were on the Titanic, unlike Rose, I'd  be sharing the door! (With my stuffed animals, a Puff Daddy Concert ticket stub, and a journal from high school that chronicles my troubled years. "I hate beans and I hate you, Mom!!!")

...and I'll never let go of you Hanson t-shirt, Herb Alpert record album, and picture of an unknown Diabetic old woman.