Royal Wedding 5: Happily Ever After!

My Royal Wedding was a huge success!

As promised, I'll share with you all the top secret and extravagant details from this morning's festivities!!! The shindig started at 4am sharp. I put on my Kate Middleton finery and let the fun begin! Let me tell you it was even classier than an Audrey Hepburn lower back tattoo, (if that's possible!)
 

The Menu:

I served my guests traditional British fare, likely served at Buckingham Palace.

The Guest List:

Much like the Royal Wedding itself, everyone was clamoring for an invitation, but it was ultra-exclusive! I could only invite VIPs that knew how to get royally buckwild!

Hot Party Pics 



Bear



Will and Kate



Sir Elton John





So glad my guests are cuddly and tear absorbent.  You know I always cry at weddings (and parties, and mornings.)





Just as Kate started the morning a commoner, and ended it a Princess...  I started the morning full of wonder and ended with no reason to live. 











ROYAL WEDDING 4: Party Time

The Royal Wedding is but a few hours away and understandably I'm freaking out! Most guys don't understand what the fuss is, let me put it to you this way...

This is the Superbowl for women! 

(only BETTER because it's once in a lifetime and the participants aren't rapists!)

We've got our own Superbowl ring!!

 

We've got violence!!

If the bouquet gets fumbled, I swear I'm gonna punch a hole in the freakin' wall!

AND

We've got tailgating!!

Royal Wedding Celebration in Downtown Detroit

It's time to party...ROYAL STYLE!!!!!

The main thing to remember with a Royal Wedding Viewing Party is CLASS, CLASS, CLASS!!!!

I'm gonna suck Beans on Toast through a helmet!

BYOC (Bring your own crumpets)

Have your guests bring something to the party.  It takes some of the stress off of you.  I  always tell my guests: "Gas, grass or ass, no one rides for free!"

 Join me next time for exclusive coverage of MY top secret Royal Wedding Viewing Party!!!

Royal Wedding 3: Collector's Edition



Take it from someone who has been living quite comfortably* off of her Princess Diana commemorative Beanie Baby for some time now, Royal memorabilia is a cash cow you are going to want to milk the $#*@ out of!

*By living quite comfortably: I'm talking, unlimited tap water and dollar pizza paid for in all dimes! Be sure to check out my episode of Cribs...not the MTV show, the show where people live in apartments no larger than a standard baby crib.

Most Accountants (that I've made up) say it's safer and more profitable to invest in Royal Memorabilia than any other stocks or bonds in the world. It's widely accepted to spend 3 months salary on such items. Trust me, it's worth every penny (my parents paid for my college with a Duchess of York Weight Watchers Poster.)

There's no shortage of Royal Wedding Memorabilia out there...

 You can buy everything from Refrigerators to Tea Bags.

In tough economic times like these, you need to know what WillKat memorabilia will get you the best return rate (not that you'd ever want to part with any of it!)

Lucky for you, I've created my own Royal Wedding memorabilia for sale! I'm no fool, I'm jumping on this Royal Gravy train! My collection features only the most elegant and valuable collector's items.

Feast your eyes, and wallets, on my BEST sellers!

Quantities are limited...so call now! (Seriously can you call me? I'm lonely!)

Royal Wedding VHS Tape

Now just 19.99!

 

There's no better way to relive the Wedding of the Century then by owning it on  VHS tape. Of course, the Royal Wedding hasn't happened yet, so it's just a video of me in a brown wig speaking in a British Accent and singing Spice Girls songs to my Bear (playing the part of Will.) Most historians agree this is far more valuable.

The Will & Kate Royal VHS tape is the perfect way to commemorate the occasion...because what's more outdated and obsolete than a VHS tape...besides the Monarchy?

Kotex Royal

Now just $19.99!

Everyone is gushing about what a fashionista the Princess Bride is. Everything she wears is an overnight trend. (I've begun wearing a facinator to the gym!) Women from all over the world want to emulate Kitkat's one of a kind style. Now you too can be a "copy Kate" down to the very last detail!  Even to what she wears when the Duchess of Flo comes a calling!

Introducing "Kotex Royal" The most luxurious of feminine products for a bloody good time!

 Commemorative Collector's Commemorating Plate

Now just $19.99

 I'm sure you've seen ads for Commemorative Plates depicting the Royal Wedding, but none of them commemorated ME commemorating Will & Kate's nuptials. Finally there is! My Commemorative Collector's Commemorating  Plate comes with a signed certificate of authenticity. It's not only beautiful, but valuable. It will turn even the most dilapidated trailer home into a castle fit for a Queen! Whether displayed on your mantle or under a frozen burrito, with its fine detail and craftsmanship you simply can't go wrong.

Invest in any one of my Royal Wedding Collector's Items, and I personally guarantee they will someday be worth hundreds, thousands, or maybe even millions (of pennies) someday!

HOPE YOU AREN'T SICK OF ROYAL WEDDING UPDATES...

 I'll be back again tomorrow with my final countdown to the Wedding of the Century!!!

Royal Wedding 2: Wedding Planning

The Royal Wedding is less than 3 days away, and the frenzy has reached a fever pitch. There's so much pressure on this wedding to be perfect, and I totally understand what Kit Kat (that's what I call her) is going though. Planning a wedding is uber stressful. I'm planning mine right now too, and oh my gosh you guys, it's sooo hard! My parents are in different states...I'm not sure which shade of hot pink to use...and I don't have a boyfriend (minor detail.)  But, if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to sweat the small stuff!  I thought I'd throw the Royal couple a bone and share my

Top 5 Royal Wedding Planning Tips 
(you commoners might find them useful as well!)

1. Sunglasses and a Wacky Dance:

For your Royal Wedding day, I can't stress enough how much you need to put on sunglasses and choreograph a zany dance for the ceremony. Sure, you could walk down the aisle the usual way,  if you want NO ONE  to pay attention! (Here's comes the bride, more like here comes the yawn, am I right!?)  The aisle of Westminster Abby is the ultimate Soul Train line, so break out those hot dance moves you British people are so famous for. Shake it right, and you could be a hit on youtube. Let's face it your Royal Wedding could really use some press!

2. Dollar Dance:



The dollar dance is as popular at Midwestern weddings as fried chicken and drunken Uncles.  Obviously it's an absolute must at the Royal Wedding as well. In the tradition of the dollar dance, guests pay money to dance briefly with the bride. Since British taxpayers have already shelled out some shillings for the wedding, I think they should all get to take a spin (or cop a feel) with the newest Princess!

Fact: "Ain't Nothin' Wrong with a Little Bump and Grind" by Sir R. Kelly is the official wedding song.

3. Blooper Reel:

You cheeky bugger!

If you know anything about life "across the pond," then you know nothing is more important to English people than making it on an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos!

If Tom Bergeron ain't making a quip about your wedding, then what's the point of getting married? So sack up Willy Boy, it's time to take one for the team and get hit in the ole family jewels! You can change people's minds about how bad British comedy is AND possibly win $10,000!!

4. Cake Fight:

"Let them eat cake." -Queen Elizabeth*

Cake is the most anticipated part of this, or any, wedding (except the open bar... The Queen Mum's a bit of a lush.)

William and Kate plan on having not one, but two wedding cakes. Both are sure to be beautiful and smashingly good... especially when lovingly smashed in each other's face and hair! It's the perfect touch of elegance. Now William, (this is important) you can get cake all over her face, grown, or even the crown, BUT you must be extremely careful not to get any cake whatsoever in Kate's mouth! We all know the royal family has "no fat chicks" policy.

5. Sexy Garter Toss:

This is a no brainer!  Erotic garter play is a crowd favorite. It's classy, sexy, and who among us doesn't want to see Prince William get all up in there, and use those big ole horse teeth to pull off Kate's garter?

Indeed!!!

    

 If William and Kate follow my 5 simple tips,

they are sure to have the wedding of a lifetime!  

Until their next one!

*Could also have been Beyonce or Jesus...Definitely someone important. (I'm not really into research.)

Royal Wedding Fever!

"Ello Govena! 'Ows about a spot of tea? Top of the mornin' to ya, Lassie!"

No, I'm not doing a Madonna impression, my new British accent is nothing more than a side effect of Royal Wedding Fever!!!   I've got a raging case of it, and after reading this blog, you will too! (It's spreading faster than a cold sore at the Playboy Mansion.)

Symptoms include: Unapoligetic hat wearing, upper lip stiffening and rampant chimney sweeping. 

An outbreak of royal wedding fever is harder to take down than SARS, SwineFlu and even Beiber!  Why? you may ask, or scream into your pillow. "WHY?!!!"

It's all because William and Kate are living a modern day fairy tale! (Haven't you been watching TV?) Every little girl grows up dreaming of marrying a handsome Prince... or a super rich guy with 40% of his hair. OMG! She gets to do both!

Staring Tori Spelling in a role that will surprise you!

Kate is living my fantasy. (You know the one where I don't die alone.) She's a princess bride, wears designer fashions, owns dazzling jewels and even has her own Lifetime movie.
That's how freaking awesome Kate is...she hasn't even been traumatized yet!! Getting a Lifetime movie BEFORE your life is in shambles is like the most baller thing a woman can do. It's like pouring Gatorade on the coach before the game has even started!  BOOYAH!!!

  People love WillKat so much becuase they're so modern and hip, I heard they're even gonna tweet their vows to each other! #thisisgoingtoendbadly

The Royal Wedding Day is going to be EPIC!!!  Everyone is already comparing it to the most extravagant and romantic nuptials in history... like Charles and Diana and of course Britney and K- Fed.

I bet William and Kate are going to end up just as happy!

  (I forget, which ones wore "Pimp" and "Ho" valour sweatsuits to the reception?)

In an unprecedented lapse in laziness, I'll be back every day this week updating you with everything Royal Wedding! Stay tuned to see how sad my life has become! 

Puttin' the "Ho" in Holy Week!

We'll make you rise like Jesus on Easter!

As you can probably tell by the amount of shame and self hatred I feel, I'm a big time Catholic. I even dreamed of becoming a Nun like in The Sound of Music, until I (much like Maria) learned the pleasures of the flesh.  Let's just say we both found something a hell of a lot better than bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...Dudes!

       

"Doe, a deer, a female deer, Ray, a drunken one night staaaand!" -Slutty Maria Von Trapp

Ladies, if you want to snag a date for Mass on Easter Sunday, or hunt eggs with a hottie... You can't fail with these whore tested, Pope approved, Catholic pick up lines! I've weeded through the riff-raff to bring you only the best!  (Not the played out: "Is that a crucifix in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?")

"You'll be mating like us in no time." -Catholic Bunnies

TOP 10 CATHOLIC PICK UP LINES 
"Guaranteed to help you make like an Easter egg and get laid!"

10. I put the lick in Catholic.

9. Looking for a good missionary position.

8. I  always turn the other cheek.

7. I spend a lot of time on my knees.

6.  I haven't been this wet since my baptism!

5. I call so many guys "Father," I'll have no problem calling you "Daddy!"

4. No condoms!

3. I'm really into cross dressing.

 

2. STD's? I've got Nun!

and the NUMBER ONE Catholic pick up line is....

 

1. I've had The Body of Christ, now how about the body of Steve?

 

Now if only you could find a guy as ripped as Jesus!

Happy Easter!!

Easy, Boozy, Beautiful!!!

There are so many products on the market promising to make you look younger, prettier and healthier. It's hard to know which ones actually work. 

Today I'm reviewing a new product called "Bite" Lipstick, available at Sephora.  This lipstick delivers as much antioxidants as five glasses of red wine to preserve healhy looking lips.  It helps prevent damage to blood vessels, reduce "bad" cholesterol and prevent blood clots. 



"All BITE Beauty products are derived from the antioxidant Resveratrol, a health-boosting component found in red wine." -Sephora


 

 If you're like me and the last green thing you ate was a Jello shot on St. Patrick's Day, then you're probably looking for a lazy way to get your nourishment on! This lipstick could be just what the doctor ordered! 

Check out my product review below:

 

"OK, I'm trying some on, love the color, maybe add a little more. DANG! IT'S REALLY GOOD YOU GUYS! I'm soooo pretty!!!OH MY GOsssssh I LOVE IT!!! I LOOOOVE THIS SONG!!! This is my jaaaam!!! THIS IS how we do iT!! I'm DAAANNNNCIN' YOU GUYS ARE MY ONLY friends and I just really want to say jhv.luidfghjasdfghjklhlo.h,97ahm WOOOOOOOOO NO YOU SHUT UP!! JUST SHUT UP!!! I CAN Stop putting on LIPSTICK WHENEVER I WANT!!!!!!"

"I FEEL PRETTTTTTTTY!!!!!!!!"

"Tastes like Booglaloo's ham salad, and it's the same shade of pink."

 "I WOnder whaaat my ex boyfriend is up to? I'm tEXTIN him a picture of My butt ya'll!!"

"EVERYTHING'S FINE! "