Craftaholics Anonymous

When you're just not that into you, waking up in the morning is terrible.

Not only do you have to face another day, you're probably hungover.

Some people frown upon getting blackout drunk... but not me. The more of my life I can forget, the better.

People often underestimate the positives of binge drinking, but there are many. It's a great excuse as to why no one wants to date you, or be with you in social settings, why you don't have a career, why you fall down all the time, and why you mouth raped a clown at your little cousin's 7th Birthday party.

Being a single girl in NYC is so craaaaaaazy, you guys! I woke up this morning totally naked with glitter everywhere. My head was pounding,  I was wearing a wig,  and my body was covered in burns.


I must have been out partying with a bunch of hot dudes or something, 'cause I'm so cool.
 Did you hear that everyone I went to high school with? I'm really cool now.

 I thought about calling my gal pals to try and piece together the evening... then I remembered, oh yeah, I don't have any.

 I was at home by myself drinking & making crafts!

Like to live dangerously? Try using a hot glue gun in the nude!

Hemingway, Poe, Van Gogh, Baker... We're just your typical creative genius/tortured soul types

 who love getting our drink on!

Follow these simple steps, and you too can live in a world of hurt, while creating your masterpiece!

All you need is:

Glitter/Sequins/Feathers

Glue

Vodka

Step 1: Drink vodka

Step 2: Awake in a glittery wonderland!

  

It's just that simple to have your normal household objects become works of art!

Like...

YOUR TOASTER!

Not only does this look amazing, it's also highly flammable!

YOUR TOILET PAPER!

So that's why I'm bleeding back there!!!!

YOUR SYRUP!

Stickier than the floor at a 25 cent peep show!
(and almost as classy)

YOUR FRIENDS! (or in my case, friend)

I'm lonely!!!



Ain't no party like a craftin' party, cause a craftin' party don't stop!

It just goes to show you that there's NOTHING glitter CAN'T fix!!!

(Except alcoholism)

Must Scream TV

I love Reality TV. Real shows, about real people, in real situations....in other words Ghost Shows!

"Dude, bro, a ghost just touched my rockin' bicep!!!"

If you're anything like me, your DVR is jammed with a buttload of ghost shows like...

Ghost Adventures
Ghost Hunters
Ghost Hunters International
Ghostly Encounters
Ghost Whisperer
Celebrity Ghost Stories
My Ghost Story
Ghostly Lovers
Haunted Collector
The Dead Files
A Haunting
Beyond and Back
Paranormal State
Psychic Kids
The Haunted
Ghost Lab
Haunted America
and
Paranormal Challenge

I know what you're saying...
 "Noooo, that's not enough ghost based entertainment! What am I supposed to do to distract me from my 3 a.m. panic attacks? 
Read? What is this, olden times? Help me!"

Don't worry, I've gone to the network fat cats and pitched my new hit show ideas. Trust me...they were 'bout it, 'bout it! (People are still saying that, right?)

Once these babies hit the airways, you can spend your time living in fear of GHOSTS instead of  living in fear of confrontation, birds and dying alone!

 Here's a sneak preview...

Ghouls Gone Wild!

Looks like someone's ghost Dad didn't love them enough!

For a few plastic beads, these creepy co-eds will lift their sheets and show off those deceased Double D's!  Ghouls Gone Wild is so full of boo-bs, it's sure to give you a case of rigamortis in the pants!

(If ghost boners last more than 4 hrs... Get it together, buddy.)

"Dad keeps disappearing! Let's make out with eachother so someone will notice us!"

The Law & Order juggernaut continues with their newest hit...

Law & Order S.G.U. (Special Ghost Unit) 

"In the criminal justice system, ghost based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Ghost Unit. These are their stories."

Ripped from the headlines, this gripping drama stars Tupac's ghost in the role of Ice T. (A role that will surprise you.)

"Street crime can suck my #%&#%#*@$"

Days of Our Afterlives

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our afterlives..."  

While a lot of Soap Operas are getting the ax, Days of Our Afterlives is going strong. Torrid love affairs, evil twins, and devil possession are par for the course on this deadly daytime drama.

(Disclaimer: It's actually no different from the real show.)

  

Stephano: "Marlena, what are you doing in bed...WITH MY BROTHER...AND MY FATHER??!!"

Marlena: "Darling, it's not what it looks like.... I thought you weren't  dead?"

Stephano: "Or am I?"

...to be continued



Toddlers and Terrors

These pint sized poltergeist are the source of a lot of controversy!

The spray tanned lil' specters on this show may have died from Shaken Baby Syndrome, but now they're shakin' it for the judges, in the hopes of a pageant win! Stay tuned, there's a lot of tough competition this season, that little Jon Benet is tough to beat. (Too soon?)

Dancing With The Deceased

Other dancing shows have "celebrities" who you'd think were dead, but on Dancing with the Deceased, there's no doubt about it!  Watch your favorite scantily clad celebrity skeletons: Corey Haim, Karen Carpenter, Macho Man Randy Savage, Gary Coleman, and Euell Gibbons take on reigning champ (and beast) Bea Arthur for the coveted title! 



Estelle Ghetty, on the other hand...



Extreme Ghost Makeovers 

So you've got a face not even a Necrophiliac could love....
Don't worry it's nothing some blond hair extensions and monster jugs can't fix!




BEFORE

 


AFTER

 

Check your local listings for these hit shows and more
such as...
America's Got Ghosts
Real Ghostwives
Say Yes to the Possessed
Ghosts with Big Asses
and
Big Ass Ghosts





Blogging is good, lying down is better!

As you can see, I haven't written anything since the Royal Wedding. After that, I'm not gonna lie, I fell on some hard times. The wedding had passed, but I just couldn't let go. I roamed the streets in a makeshift wedding dress pleading with anyone who'd listen, "Ello Govena, please sir, can I 'ave some more?" (That's all the British I know.)

My rock bottom was when I found myself in a back alley with a homeless guy (or street urchin, if you will.)  He said he'd give me a closer look at the royal couple for 5 American dollars. It turned out "The Royal Couple" was just the clever nickname he'd given his testicles. (Prince Harry and Prince Really Harry.)

Just as I was getting back on my feet, the unthinkable happened... The Oprah Winfrey Show ended.

I wanted to write a blog celebrating Oprah's final episode, but it didn't turn out so well. You see, while it's perfectly acceptable for me to dress as Kate Middleton, apparently it's frowned upon to wear black face and impersonate Oprah.

I love you, Oprah! Hold Me!

The end of Lady O's rein left a frickin' huge Oprah shaped hole in my heart. I went through the usual stages of grief...

• Denial: "She's not going anywhere." 
• Anger: "IF I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER F#$@ING AHA MOMENT, I'M GOING TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE MOTHER F*&$ING VAJAYJAY!!!!!!"  
• Bargaining: "God, please take Gayle instead."  
• Acceptance: "That's OK, I'll just learn how to become a better woman from the Nate Berkus show."  

After that I was ready to start living... and start blogging, but then the Subway told me the end of the world was coming.  Naturally, I had a lot to do to get ready for the Rapture.  I stockpiled toilet paper to be used as currency, carbo-loaded on mini chocolate donuts to have energy for looting, and slept 16 hours straight to be well rested for the afterlife.  You know I'm gonna be busy up there in Heaven making love to a young Patrick Swayze under a chocolate waterfall!

 When the End of Days turned out to be Apocalypse Not, I was devastated.  It prompted me to re-read "He's Just Not That Into You" to cope with my blow off from Jesus.  

If he doesn't call you (to be seated at the right hand of his father) he's just not that into you!

After that, I couldn't blog because I was sequestered on a jury for a high profile case!  I sat through hours of testimony and poured over the mountains of evidence.  When it was time to reach a verdict, my decision was made: GUILTY OF MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE! FRY THE B#*&@!

 Unfortunately I wasn't so much on the jury, as I was watching it on TV. 

When Casey Anthony walked free I flew into a fit of rage!  How can she feel no remorse over killing her daughter, yet I'm up all night feeling guilty over the Snickers I ate last Wednesday?

What a waste!  I lost so much valuable time that I could have spent helping orphans, donating blood, or even watching other TV shows.  I thought about maybe writing a blog about it... but nah, I'll just wait for my book deal. 

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to writing, there was a string of impending disasters: an earthquake, Hurricane Irene, The  9/11 anniversary, space junk falling from the sky, and a butt load of high humidity. For protective measures, I spent the last month in bed curled up in a fetal position. (Occasionally I'd stop, drop and roll to the refrigerator.) Safety First!



 
I thought maybe I'd give up blogging for good.  Then I saw that Taylor Lautner was releasing another feature film.  If he has the courage to do that, surely I can muster the strength to pen another blog.

You are so brave!

Royal Wedding 5: Happily Ever After!

My Royal Wedding was a huge success!

As promised, I'll share with you all the top secret and extravagant details from this morning's festivities!!! The shindig started at 4am sharp. I put on my Kate Middleton finery and let the fun begin! Let me tell you it was even classier than an Audrey Hepburn lower back tattoo, (if that's possible!)
 

The Menu:

I served my guests traditional British fare, likely served at Buckingham Palace.

The Guest List:

Much like the Royal Wedding itself, everyone was clamoring for an invitation, but it was ultra-exclusive! I could only invite VIPs that knew how to get royally buckwild!

Hot Party Pics 



Bear



Will and Kate



Sir Elton John





So glad my guests are cuddly and tear absorbent.  You know I always cry at weddings (and parties, and mornings.)





Just as Kate started the morning a commoner, and ended it a Princess...  I started the morning full of wonder and ended with no reason to live. 











ROYAL WEDDING 4: Party Time

The Royal Wedding is but a few hours away and understandably I'm freaking out! Most guys don't understand what the fuss is, let me put it to you this way...

This is the Superbowl for women! 

(only BETTER because it's once in a lifetime and the participants aren't rapists!)

We've got our own Superbowl ring!!

 

We've got violence!!

If the bouquet gets fumbled, I swear I'm gonna punch a hole in the freakin' wall!

AND

We've got tailgating!!

Royal Wedding Celebration in Downtown Detroit

It's time to party...ROYAL STYLE!!!!!

The main thing to remember with a Royal Wedding Viewing Party is CLASS, CLASS, CLASS!!!!

I'm gonna suck Beans on Toast through a helmet!

BYOC (Bring your own crumpets)

Have your guests bring something to the party.  It takes some of the stress off of you.  I  always tell my guests: "Gas, grass or ass, no one rides for free!"

 Join me next time for exclusive coverage of MY top secret Royal Wedding Viewing Party!!!

Royal Wedding 3: Collector's Edition



Take it from someone who has been living quite comfortably* off of her Princess Diana commemorative Beanie Baby for some time now, Royal memorabilia is a cash cow you are going to want to milk the $#*@ out of!

*By living quite comfortably: I'm talking, unlimited tap water and dollar pizza paid for in all dimes! Be sure to check out my episode of Cribs...not the MTV show, the show where people live in apartments no larger than a standard baby crib.

Most Accountants (that I've made up) say it's safer and more profitable to invest in Royal Memorabilia than any other stocks or bonds in the world. It's widely accepted to spend 3 months salary on such items. Trust me, it's worth every penny (my parents paid for my college with a Duchess of York Weight Watchers Poster.)

There's no shortage of Royal Wedding Memorabilia out there...

 You can buy everything from Refrigerators to Tea Bags.

In tough economic times like these, you need to know what WillKat memorabilia will get you the best return rate (not that you'd ever want to part with any of it!)

Lucky for you, I've created my own Royal Wedding memorabilia for sale! I'm no fool, I'm jumping on this Royal Gravy train! My collection features only the most elegant and valuable collector's items.

Feast your eyes, and wallets, on my BEST sellers!

Quantities are limited...so call now! (Seriously can you call me? I'm lonely!)

Royal Wedding VHS Tape

Now just 19.99!

 

There's no better way to relive the Wedding of the Century then by owning it on  VHS tape. Of course, the Royal Wedding hasn't happened yet, so it's just a video of me in a brown wig speaking in a British Accent and singing Spice Girls songs to my Bear (playing the part of Will.) Most historians agree this is far more valuable.

The Will & Kate Royal VHS tape is the perfect way to commemorate the occasion...because what's more outdated and obsolete than a VHS tape...besides the Monarchy?

Kotex Royal

Now just $19.99!

Everyone is gushing about what a fashionista the Princess Bride is. Everything she wears is an overnight trend. (I've begun wearing a facinator to the gym!) Women from all over the world want to emulate Kitkat's one of a kind style. Now you too can be a "copy Kate" down to the very last detail!  Even to what she wears when the Duchess of Flo comes a calling!

Introducing "Kotex Royal" The most luxurious of feminine products for a bloody good time!

 Commemorative Collector's Commemorating Plate

Now just $19.99

 I'm sure you've seen ads for Commemorative Plates depicting the Royal Wedding, but none of them commemorated ME commemorating Will & Kate's nuptials. Finally there is! My Commemorative Collector's Commemorating  Plate comes with a signed certificate of authenticity. It's not only beautiful, but valuable. It will turn even the most dilapidated trailer home into a castle fit for a Queen! Whether displayed on your mantle or under a frozen burrito, with its fine detail and craftsmanship you simply can't go wrong.

Invest in any one of my Royal Wedding Collector's Items, and I personally guarantee they will someday be worth hundreds, thousands, or maybe even millions (of pennies) someday!

HOPE YOU AREN'T SICK OF ROYAL WEDDING UPDATES...

 I'll be back again tomorrow with my final countdown to the Wedding of the Century!!!

Royal Wedding 2: Wedding Planning

The Royal Wedding is less than 3 days away, and the frenzy has reached a fever pitch. There's so much pressure on this wedding to be perfect, and I totally understand what Kit Kat (that's what I call her) is going though. Planning a wedding is uber stressful. I'm planning mine right now too, and oh my gosh you guys, it's sooo hard! My parents are in different states...I'm not sure which shade of hot pink to use...and I don't have a boyfriend (minor detail.)  But, if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to sweat the small stuff!  I thought I'd throw the Royal couple a bone and share my

Top 5 Royal Wedding Planning Tips 
(you commoners might find them useful as well!)

1. Sunglasses and a Wacky Dance:

For your Royal Wedding day, I can't stress enough how much you need to put on sunglasses and choreograph a zany dance for the ceremony. Sure, you could walk down the aisle the usual way,  if you want NO ONE  to pay attention! (Here's comes the bride, more like here comes the yawn, am I right!?)  The aisle of Westminster Abby is the ultimate Soul Train line, so break out those hot dance moves you British people are so famous for. Shake it right, and you could be a hit on youtube. Let's face it your Royal Wedding could really use some press!

2. Dollar Dance:



The dollar dance is as popular at Midwestern weddings as fried chicken and drunken Uncles.  Obviously it's an absolute must at the Royal Wedding as well. In the tradition of the dollar dance, guests pay money to dance briefly with the bride. Since British taxpayers have already shelled out some shillings for the wedding, I think they should all get to take a spin (or cop a feel) with the newest Princess!

Fact: "Ain't Nothin' Wrong with a Little Bump and Grind" by Sir R. Kelly is the official wedding song.

3. Blooper Reel:

You cheeky bugger!

If you know anything about life "across the pond," then you know nothing is more important to English people than making it on an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos!

If Tom Bergeron ain't making a quip about your wedding, then what's the point of getting married? So sack up Willy Boy, it's time to take one for the team and get hit in the ole family jewels! You can change people's minds about how bad British comedy is AND possibly win $10,000!!

4. Cake Fight:

"Let them eat cake." -Queen Elizabeth*

Cake is the most anticipated part of this, or any, wedding (except the open bar... The Queen Mum's a bit of a lush.)

William and Kate plan on having not one, but two wedding cakes. Both are sure to be beautiful and smashingly good... especially when lovingly smashed in each other's face and hair! It's the perfect touch of elegance. Now William, (this is important) you can get cake all over her face, grown, or even the crown, BUT you must be extremely careful not to get any cake whatsoever in Kate's mouth! We all know the royal family has "no fat chicks" policy.

5. Sexy Garter Toss:

This is a no brainer!  Erotic garter play is a crowd favorite. It's classy, sexy, and who among us doesn't want to see Prince William get all up in there, and use those big ole horse teeth to pull off Kate's garter?

Indeed!!!

    

 If William and Kate follow my 5 simple tips,

they are sure to have the wedding of a lifetime!  

Until their next one!

*Could also have been Beyonce or Jesus...Definitely someone important. (I'm not really into research.)