Sad Sack's Guide to NYC

New York is the greatest city in the world! It's a magical place where all your dreams can come true!  (Unless your dream is to not die alone. Then you're totally screwed.)  Sure, New York might beat the crap out of you with its harsh, smelly, hate-filled people, but it gives something back too. It's the #1 city in the world for PDA's- Public Displays of Anguish! Cry as loud as you want, scream even. No one will give you a second glance. Trust me, if they don't notice the topless old lady with a magic marker mustache riding the subway, or the dude with the cat on his head in Union Square they won't look twice at your tears. Even if they do, they won't care. No one cares about you! NO ONE! It's New York... Forgaboutit Ova here!

Top 5 Hot Spots for Crying in Public

 Next time your eyes are barfing that salty discharge, don't stay home in your closet sized apartment you share with 5 roommates... get out there and see NYC! The bright lights of the big city look extra pretty through tears. Think of it as a cool Instagram filter.

1. New York Sports Club

Maybe you find out your boyfriend has a wife, and that surprise wife is on the elliptical right next to you. Yikes! (Also, you look fat!)  Don't hold back those tears anymore. The gym is a great place to cry in public. People will think the painful grimace on your face is just from blasting your glutes real hard. The tears running down your face just look like beads of sweat.  Go ahead, let your agony out with an ear piecing groan, everyone will think you just pulled a hammie!

Feeling the burn!

2. Metropolitan Museum of Art

Museums are the perfect place to cry in public because the other people there will just assume you're really cultured, smart and deeply moved by the paintings.

 Wow that Van Gogh really speaks to you.

Yeah it's telling me I'll never make it in New York and I should just curl up in the fetal position and wait for the sweet release of death!

If you're particularly dramatic in your grieving, people might consider the whole thing performance art, and gather around you saying things like, "It's a metaphor." 
Sweet, FINALLY some attention!  

This is what I look like... ALL THE TIME!

3. Public Transit

Once I got dumped by my boyfriend immediately after he had sex with me. To add insult to injury, the gem of a guy forced me right out of his apartment and right on to public transportation. Who wouldn't want to be riding the rails mid-meltdown? If you find yourself on the Subway and you can't stop crying... good! The NYC Subway is a wonderful place to express your emotions. Everyone is already avoiding eye contact at all costs, so no one is looking. No matter how loud you sob, or how much you snot you produce, people would still rather sit next to you than pee covered homeless guy. They'd rather hear your moans than the Mariachi Band who's butchering LaBamba for the 20th time. Bonus: If it's rush hour, you will be able to get some much needed human touch in the crowds!





* If you've got some cash to spare, Taxi cabs are also a tear friendly zone. The cab driver will usually tell you that you're too pretty to cry... and cool he knows where you live now!

4. Coney Island

When you're having a pity party there's nothing more comforting than a fried Oreo. Except maybe a fried Oreo, a funnel cake, corn dog, hot dog, cheese fries, and another fried Oreo. Your tear ducts aren't clogged, but your arteries will be.  

Cry all you want, people won't consider you a freak in Coney Island. There are actual freak shows. For $1 you can see a lady with the body of a snake!  (She probably has a boyfriend and you don't by the way.) WAAAAAAH!




Snake girls need love too!

5. Central Park

 Central Park is by far the best place in NYC to cry in public. There's something about being surrounded by nature and romantic dry humping picnickers that just really sets the mood for a quality meltdown. 

Actual Events: Crying in the park while a bride and groom run by! FML

Not blessed enough to live in NYC? Don't worry, no matter where you live you always have a nearby public place to cry. BARS! Any establishment you can shove booze down your booze hole is the perfect location for a good tear fest. Go ahead, be as pathetic as you want. You're not alone. By last call, you're sure to spot at least 1 or 2 grieving gal pals. You'll spot them by their almost unintelligible moans piercing the night.... "No but serrriousssly you're just like my best friend, no I love you, He's such a jerk. You are soooo pretty."

The important thing is don't feel ashamed to feel your feelings. It's normal to be sad when someone hurts you. You're not crazy. You're a human and not a dead inside robot! That's a good thing.

Let it out, and move on. Next stop... HAPPY TOWN!!!!