Read Your Way To Romance

If there's one thing that turns a guy on, it's literacy! Don't believe me?  Then ask a sexy librarian. Of course she'll probably just shush you, take off her glasses, then sloooowly take the bun out of her hair as she climbs on all fours on top of her desk.  It's kind of hard to get a straight answer out of her.  But trust me, reading a book in public is a great way to meet a man... Just make sure to move your lips while you read, so you don't look too smart and scare him off! 

WARNING: Beware of nerds, if a guy starts bringing up metaphors or
symbolism, just fake diarrhea and get the hell out of there!

I know what you're thinking, this sounds complicated. Leaving the house? Changing out of my sweatpants? Learning to read?

Well, don't worry you can also pretend to look smart online. Just take a photo of yourself reading a book and post it. This kind of profile pic says, "Me? I'm just as comfortable having a night on the town, as I am curled up on the couch with a good book!" I'll bet he's never heard anything like THAT before.

But what book? This is the fun part. Here's your chance to express yourself! Choose something that grabs his attention and gets the conversation started. The perfect icebreaker is a title that screams, "This is me, this is what I'm all about!"



"Ask me about my struggle with self hatred!"



Sad Sack's Guide to NYC

New York is the greatest city in the world! It's a magical place where all your dreams can come true!  (Unless your dream is to not die alone. Then you're totally screwed.)  Sure, New York might beat the crap out of you with its harsh, smelly, hate-filled people, but it gives something back too. It's the #1 city in the world for PDA's- Public Displays of Anguish! Cry as loud as you want, scream even. No one will give you a second glance. Trust me, if they don't notice the topless old lady with a magic marker mustache riding the subway, or the dude with the cat on his head in Union Square they won't look twice at your tears. Even if they do, they won't care. No one cares about you! NO ONE! It's New York... Forgaboutit Ova here!

Top 5 Hot Spots for Crying in Public

 Next time your eyes are barfing that salty discharge, don't stay home in your closet sized apartment you share with 5 roommates... get out there and see NYC! The bright lights of the big city look extra pretty through tears. Think of it as a cool Instagram filter.

1. New York Sports Club

Maybe you find out your boyfriend has a wife, and that surprise wife is on the elliptical right next to you. Yikes! (Also, you look fat!)  Don't hold back those tears anymore. The gym is a great place to cry in public. People will think the painful grimace on your face is just from blasting your glutes real hard. The tears running down your face just look like beads of sweat.  Go ahead, let your agony out with an ear piecing groan, everyone will think you just pulled a hammie!

Feeling the burn!

2. Metropolitan Museum of Art

Museums are the perfect place to cry in public because the other people there will just assume you're really cultured, smart and deeply moved by the paintings.

 Wow that Van Gogh really speaks to you.

Yeah it's telling me I'll never make it in New York and I should just curl up in the fetal position and wait for the sweet release of death!

If you're particularly dramatic in your grieving, people might consider the whole thing performance art, and gather around you saying things like, "It's a metaphor." 
Sweet, FINALLY some attention!  

This is what I look like... ALL THE TIME!

3. Public Transit

Once I got dumped by my boyfriend immediately after he had sex with me. To add insult to injury, the gem of a guy forced me right out of his apartment and right on to public transportation. Who wouldn't want to be riding the rails mid-meltdown? If you find yourself on the Subway and you can't stop crying... good! The NYC Subway is a wonderful place to express your emotions. Everyone is already avoiding eye contact at all costs, so no one is looking. No matter how loud you sob, or how much you snot you produce, people would still rather sit next to you than pee covered homeless guy. They'd rather hear your moans than the Mariachi Band who's butchering LaBamba for the 20th time. Bonus: If it's rush hour, you will be able to get some much needed human touch in the crowds!





* If you've got some cash to spare, Taxi cabs are also a tear friendly zone. The cab driver will usually tell you that you're too pretty to cry... and cool he knows where you live now!

4. Coney Island

When you're having a pity party there's nothing more comforting than a fried Oreo. Except maybe a fried Oreo, a funnel cake, corn dog, hot dog, cheese fries, and another fried Oreo. Your tear ducts aren't clogged, but your arteries will be.  

Cry all you want, people won't consider you a freak in Coney Island. There are actual freak shows. For $1 you can see a lady with the body of a snake!  (She probably has a boyfriend and you don't by the way.) WAAAAAAH!




Snake girls need love too!

5. Central Park

 Central Park is by far the best place in NYC to cry in public. There's something about being surrounded by nature and romantic dry humping picnickers that just really sets the mood for a quality meltdown. 

Actual Events: Crying in the park while a bride and groom run by! FML

Not blessed enough to live in NYC? Don't worry, no matter where you live you always have a nearby public place to cry. BARS! Any establishment you can shove booze down your booze hole is the perfect location for a good tear fest. Go ahead, be as pathetic as you want. You're not alone. By last call, you're sure to spot at least 1 or 2 grieving gal pals. You'll spot them by their almost unintelligible moans piercing the night.... "No but serrriousssly you're just like my best friend, no I love you, He's such a jerk. You are soooo pretty."

The important thing is don't feel ashamed to feel your feelings. It's normal to be sad when someone hurts you. You're not crazy. You're a human and not a dead inside robot! That's a good thing.

Let it out, and move on. Next stop... HAPPY TOWN!!!!



You're Too Kind

My Grandmother always gave the best advice. I remember her using the expression, "Kill 'em with kindness," a lot.  Back then I thought she was talking about my enemies, but now that I'm older I realize she was talking about my relationships!

Cause nothing turns a dude off more than a nice girl.

There's even a book called, Why Men Love Bitches... for crying out loud.

(That's not an expression, I'm seriously crying out loud right now.) 

I can't understand why guys don't like nice girls!!!

Why wouldn't you like a girl who is loyal, trustworthy, and sweet?

You could introduce her to your Mom, and your Mom would totally love her!

She'd give you lots of compliments on how great you look.
 (Even though you look like a cross between Meatloaf the singer and Meatloaf the food?) 

 

She will fake laugh at all your fart jokes and pretend to care about your fantasy football team!

She'll give you back rubs, foot rubs, and even clean your toilet!

She's be a great nurse you when you're sick... you can barf on her even! (If it makes you feel better!)

She would be happy to wipe your drool away while she's staring at you and watching you sleep!

She'd never ever cheat on you... but it's OK if you cheat on her!
 (It's my fault, I should be prettier!)

She just wants to please you and make you happy!  You can be as mean to her as you want.... She's cool like that!
(You're right, I could lose a few pounds!)

She likes you so much that maybe sometimes she fantasizes a twister will destroy your apartment so then you wouldn't have a place to live and you'd have to stay with her. Then you two could just BE together! Maybe you guys could adopt some baby puppies and bunnies or whatever, and then you and your baby animal family could just go live off the grid somewhere.

Why wouldn't you want a nice girl like that? WHY DAN, WHY?

Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding, totally kidding!!! Ha Ha!!!
Wouldn't it be funny if I was like that?

I meant to say... I know this guy Dan who has a totally small wiener and is a big time dummy! Hey Dan, why don't you go buy me some shoes you, butt hole!

Cause I'm a bad bad bitch!

Ummm..... So, do you like me now?

OK Cupid, Just Shoot Me!

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and big shocker... you're alone again. In last year's Valentine's Blog, "I Love You, Me" I suggested you be your own Valentine and love yourself.

Well, that sucked.  If you were anything like me you just ate a shit ton of cheese, got black out drunk, and cried by a dumpster till dawn. Hey, did you know the best way to remove chocolate body paint is with your own tears?

Being single on Valentine's Day is NOT an option. Not this year, my friends. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we all know nothing's more desperate than online dating!

Follow my tips for creating the perfect OKCupid profile, and I guarantee you'll be in a relationship by Valentine's Day!

Step One: Create a Username

Choosing the right user name is the first step to getting his attention! Try using a number or maybe an "X" or a "Z" to bring a cool vibe!

For example, My username is Hugzzzzzzzzzz (with 10 z's) It's pretty cool, right?

 Sadly, my first choice, BigJugs4U was already taken.

Step Two: Upload Pictures

This is probably the most important step. Guys are very visual creatures, so you want to make sure you look your absolute best!

Use a Recent Pic

Like from your Junior Year Homecoming Dance

Crop Out Your Bad Features

"Eye" think I see my future husband!

Use Your Favorite Picture

Look at how totally over my ex-boyfriend I am!!!


Step 3: Writing Your Profile
Now's your chance to show off your brains and personality... you know the 2 things guys REALLY care about!

Everyone on OKCupid is super interesting! They ALL love to laugh, love their friends and family, and love to travel. Did you know they also ALL can't live without good music, good sushi, and their iPhone,  (as much as they hate to admit it) and they ALL can't stand when people mix up "your" and "you're?" Did you know they ALL feel just as comfortable dressed up for a night on the town, as they do in a t-shirt and jeans at home?   Be exactly like that.

Under "Looking For" don't limit yourself by excluding anyone.

Age Range: 18-99

Who cares if he's covered in acne or age spots, as long as you can change your relationship status on Facebook.

Location: Anywhere

Whether it's right around the corner, or Rikers Island, you never know where your true love is hiding!

Step Four: Messaging

Don't be picky. If a guy messages you, go out with him immediately!

It might not seem like you and "Kingdong420" have a lot in common now, but why not wait to make that decision until he's walking you home late at night?

Step Five: First Date

You're just 3 simple steps away from reeling in your soul mate! Don't blow it!

1. Start off with some jokes, guys just love a girl with a sense of humor.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

My ovaries are drying up

My ovaries are drying up who?

My ovaries are drying up, who wants to put a baby in me?!

2. Talk as much as possible. Spill your guts, leave no stone unturned.

Don't forget to tell the story of your first period, and what it felt like to finally become a woman! He'll love it!

3. Sleep with him ASAP!!!!

Once you've had sex... Congratulations you are now in love and in a relationship forever!!!

Click here to see Missy's OKCupid Profile

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Remember nothing goes better with candy hearts

 than soul crushing disappointment!

Craftaholics Anonymous

When you're just not that into you, waking up in the morning is terrible.

Not only do you have to face another day, you're probably hungover.

Some people frown upon getting blackout drunk... but not me. The more of my life I can forget, the better.

People often underestimate the positives of binge drinking, but there are many. It's a great excuse as to why no one wants to date you, or be with you in social settings, why you don't have a career, why you fall down all the time, and why you mouth raped a clown at your little cousin's 7th Birthday party.

Being a single girl in NYC is so craaaaaaazy, you guys! I woke up this morning totally naked with glitter everywhere. My head was pounding,  I was wearing a wig,  and my body was covered in burns.


I must have been out partying with a bunch of hot dudes or something, 'cause I'm so cool.
 Did you hear that everyone I went to high school with? I'm really cool now.

 I thought about calling my gal pals to try and piece together the evening... then I remembered, oh yeah, I don't have any.

 I was at home by myself drinking & making crafts!

Like to live dangerously? Try using a hot glue gun in the nude!

Hemingway, Poe, Van Gogh, Baker... We're just your typical creative genius/tortured soul types

 who love getting our drink on!

Follow these simple steps, and you too can live in a world of hurt, while creating your masterpiece!

All you need is:

Glitter/Sequins/Feathers

Glue

Vodka

Step 1: Drink vodka

Step 2: Awake in a glittery wonderland!

  

It's just that simple to have your normal household objects become works of art!

Like...

YOUR TOASTER!

Not only does this look amazing, it's also highly flammable!

YOUR TOILET PAPER!

So that's why I'm bleeding back there!!!!

YOUR SYRUP!

Stickier than the floor at a 25 cent peep show!
(and almost as classy)

YOUR FRIENDS! (or in my case, friend)

I'm lonely!!!



Ain't no party like a craftin' party, cause a craftin' party don't stop!

It just goes to show you that there's NOTHING glitter CAN'T fix!!!

(Except alcoholism)

Must Scream TV

I love Reality TV. Real shows, about real people, in real situations....in other words Ghost Shows!

"Dude, bro, a ghost just touched my rockin' bicep!!!"

If you're anything like me, your DVR is jammed with a buttload of ghost shows like...

Ghost Adventures
Ghost Hunters
Ghost Hunters International
Ghostly Encounters
Ghost Whisperer
Celebrity Ghost Stories
My Ghost Story
Ghostly Lovers
Haunted Collector
The Dead Files
A Haunting
Beyond and Back
Paranormal State
Psychic Kids
The Haunted
Ghost Lab
Haunted America
and
Paranormal Challenge

I know what you're saying...
 "Noooo, that's not enough ghost based entertainment! What am I supposed to do to distract me from my 3 a.m. panic attacks? 
Read? What is this, olden times? Help me!"

Don't worry, I've gone to the network fat cats and pitched my new hit show ideas. Trust me...they were 'bout it, 'bout it! (People are still saying that, right?)

Once these babies hit the airways, you can spend your time living in fear of GHOSTS instead of  living in fear of confrontation, birds and dying alone!

 Here's a sneak preview...

Ghouls Gone Wild!

Looks like someone's ghost Dad didn't love them enough!

For a few plastic beads, these creepy co-eds will lift their sheets and show off those deceased Double D's!  Ghouls Gone Wild is so full of boo-bs, it's sure to give you a case of rigamortis in the pants!

(If ghost boners last more than 4 hrs... Get it together, buddy.)

"Dad keeps disappearing! Let's make out with eachother so someone will notice us!"

The Law & Order juggernaut continues with their newest hit...

Law & Order S.G.U. (Special Ghost Unit) 

"In the criminal justice system, ghost based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Ghost Unit. These are their stories."

Ripped from the headlines, this gripping drama stars Tupac's ghost in the role of Ice T. (A role that will surprise you.)

"Street crime can suck my #%&#%#*@$"

Days of Our Afterlives

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our afterlives..."  

While a lot of Soap Operas are getting the ax, Days of Our Afterlives is going strong. Torrid love affairs, evil twins, and devil possession are par for the course on this deadly daytime drama.

(Disclaimer: It's actually no different from the real show.)

  

Stephano: "Marlena, what are you doing in bed...WITH MY BROTHER...AND MY FATHER??!!"

Marlena: "Darling, it's not what it looks like.... I thought you weren't  dead?"

Stephano: "Or am I?"

...to be continued



Toddlers and Terrors

These pint sized poltergeist are the source of a lot of controversy!

The spray tanned lil' specters on this show may have died from Shaken Baby Syndrome, but now they're shakin' it for the judges, in the hopes of a pageant win! Stay tuned, there's a lot of tough competition this season, that little Jon Benet is tough to beat. (Too soon?)

Dancing With The Deceased

Other dancing shows have "celebrities" who you'd think were dead, but on Dancing with the Deceased, there's no doubt about it!  Watch your favorite scantily clad celebrity skeletons: Corey Haim, Karen Carpenter, Macho Man Randy Savage, Gary Coleman, and Euell Gibbons take on reigning champ (and beast) Bea Arthur for the coveted title! 



Estelle Ghetty, on the other hand...



Extreme Ghost Makeovers 

So you've got a face not even a Necrophiliac could love....
Don't worry it's nothing some blond hair extensions and monster jugs can't fix!




BEFORE

 


AFTER

 

Check your local listings for these hit shows and more
such as...
America's Got Ghosts
Real Ghostwives
Say Yes to the Possessed
Ghosts with Big Asses
and
Big Ass Ghosts





Blogging is good, lying down is better!

As you can see, I haven't written anything since the Royal Wedding. After that, I'm not gonna lie, I fell on some hard times. The wedding had passed, but I just couldn't let go. I roamed the streets in a makeshift wedding dress pleading with anyone who'd listen, "Ello Govena, please sir, can I 'ave some more?" (That's all the British I know.)

My rock bottom was when I found myself in a back alley with a homeless guy (or street urchin, if you will.)  He said he'd give me a closer look at the royal couple for 5 American dollars. It turned out "The Royal Couple" was just the clever nickname he'd given his testicles. (Prince Harry and Prince Really Harry.)

Just as I was getting back on my feet, the unthinkable happened... The Oprah Winfrey Show ended.

I wanted to write a blog celebrating Oprah's final episode, but it didn't turn out so well. You see, while it's perfectly acceptable for me to dress as Kate Middleton, apparently it's frowned upon to wear black face and impersonate Oprah.

I love you, Oprah! Hold Me!

The end of Lady O's rein left a frickin' huge Oprah shaped hole in my heart. I went through the usual stages of grief...

• Denial: "She's not going anywhere." 
• Anger: "IF I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER F#$@ING AHA MOMENT, I'M GOING TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE MOTHER F*&$ING VAJAYJAY!!!!!!"  
• Bargaining: "God, please take Gayle instead."  
• Acceptance: "That's OK, I'll just learn how to become a better woman from the Nate Berkus show."  

After that I was ready to start living... and start blogging, but then the Subway told me the end of the world was coming.  Naturally, I had a lot to do to get ready for the Rapture.  I stockpiled toilet paper to be used as currency, carbo-loaded on mini chocolate donuts to have energy for looting, and slept 16 hours straight to be well rested for the afterlife.  You know I'm gonna be busy up there in Heaven making love to a young Patrick Swayze under a chocolate waterfall!

 When the End of Days turned out to be Apocalypse Not, I was devastated.  It prompted me to re-read "He's Just Not That Into You" to cope with my blow off from Jesus.  

If he doesn't call you (to be seated at the right hand of his father) he's just not that into you!

After that, I couldn't blog because I was sequestered on a jury for a high profile case!  I sat through hours of testimony and poured over the mountains of evidence.  When it was time to reach a verdict, my decision was made: GUILTY OF MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE! FRY THE B#*&@!

 Unfortunately I wasn't so much on the jury, as I was watching it on TV. 

When Casey Anthony walked free I flew into a fit of rage!  How can she feel no remorse over killing her daughter, yet I'm up all night feeling guilty over the Snickers I ate last Wednesday?

What a waste!  I lost so much valuable time that I could have spent helping orphans, donating blood, or even watching other TV shows.  I thought about maybe writing a blog about it... but nah, I'll just wait for my book deal. 

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to writing, there was a string of impending disasters: an earthquake, Hurricane Irene, The  9/11 anniversary, space junk falling from the sky, and a butt load of high humidity. For protective measures, I spent the last month in bed curled up in a fetal position. (Occasionally I'd stop, drop and roll to the refrigerator.) Safety First!



 
I thought maybe I'd give up blogging for good.  Then I saw that Taylor Lautner was releasing another feature film.  If he has the courage to do that, surely I can muster the strength to pen another blog.

You are so brave!

Royal Wedding 5: Happily Ever After!

My Royal Wedding was a huge success!

As promised, I'll share with you all the top secret and extravagant details from this morning's festivities!!! The shindig started at 4am sharp. I put on my Kate Middleton finery and let the fun begin! Let me tell you it was even classier than an Audrey Hepburn lower back tattoo, (if that's possible!)
 

The Menu:

I served my guests traditional British fare, likely served at Buckingham Palace.

The Guest List:

Much like the Royal Wedding itself, everyone was clamoring for an invitation, but it was ultra-exclusive! I could only invite VIPs that knew how to get royally buckwild!

Hot Party Pics 



Bear



Will and Kate



Sir Elton John





So glad my guests are cuddly and tear absorbent.  You know I always cry at weddings (and parties, and mornings.)





Just as Kate started the morning a commoner, and ended it a Princess...  I started the morning full of wonder and ended with no reason to live.