Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and big shocker... you're alone again. In last year's Valentine's Blog, "I Love You, Me" I suggested you be your own Valentine and love yourself.
Well, that sucked. If you were anything like me you just ate a shit ton of cheese, got black out drunk, and cried by a dumpster till dawn. Hey, did you know the best way to remove chocolate body paint is with your own tears?
Being single on Valentine's Day is NOT an option. Not this year, my friends. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we all know nothing's more desperate than online dating!
Follow my tips for creating the perfect OKCupid profile, and I guarantee you'll be in a relationship by Valentine's Day!
Step One: Create a Username
Choosing the right user name is the first step to getting his attention! Try using a number or maybe an "X" or a "Z" to bring a cool vibe!
For example, My username is Hugzzzzzzzzzz (with 10 z's) It's pretty cool, right?
Sadly, my first choice, BigJugs4U was already taken.
Step Two: Upload Pictures
This is probably the most important step. Guys are very visual creatures, so you want to make sure you look your absolute best!
Use a Recent Pic
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| Like from your Junior Year Homecoming Dance |
Crop Out Your Bad Features
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"Eye" think I see my future husband!
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Use Your Favorite Picture
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| Look at how totally over my ex-boyfriend I am!!! Step 3: Writing Your Profile Now's your chance to show off your brains and personality... you know the 2 things guys REALLY care about!
Everyone on OKCupid is super interesting! They ALL love to laugh, love their friends and family, and love to travel. Did you know they also ALL can't live without good music, good sushi, and their iPhone, (as much as they hate to admit it) and they ALL can't stand when people mix up "your" and "you're?" Did you know they ALL feel just as comfortable dressed up for a night on the town, as they do in a t-shirt and jeans at home? Be exactly like that.
Under "Looking For" don't limit yourself by excluding anyone.
Age Range: 18-99
Who cares if he's covered in acne or age spots, as long as you can change your relationship status on Facebook.
Location: Anywhere
Whether it's right around the corner, or Rikers Island, you never know where your true love is hiding!
Step Four: Messaging
Don't be picky. If a guy messages you, go out with him immediately!
It might not seem like you and "Kingdong420" have a lot in common now, but why not wait to make that decision until he's walking you home late at night?
Step Five: First Date
You're just 3 simple steps away from reeling in your soul mate! Don't blow it!
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1. Start off with some jokes, guys just love a girl with a sense of humor.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
My ovaries are drying up
My ovaries are drying up who?
My ovaries are drying up, who wants to put a baby in me?!
2. Talk as much as possible. Spill your guts, leave no stone unturned.
Don't forget to tell the story of your first period, and what it felt like to finally become a woman! He'll love it!
3. Sleep with him ASAP!!!!
Once you've had sex... Congratulations you are now in love and in a relationship forever!!!
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Remember nothing goes better with candy hearts
than soul crushing disappointment!
